To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
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I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.