I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
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I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
incredible book dedication
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
If you’re testing me, we failed.
What even happened today?
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I only eat vegetarians.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Well, shit
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.