My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
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YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
just having fun
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…