she has a smile full of sesame seeds
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a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?