I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
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New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Bloody internet 😳
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I swear some people should be banned from cooking