Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
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[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?