High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
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I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Tremendous stuff
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”