“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
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[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?