Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
*seductively eats two tums*
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.