Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
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[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.