Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
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I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My boss called in sick of me
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Art by Pastelkatto
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?