Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
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*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people