‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
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I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.