Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
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Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
i will not be silenced
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
can’t believe I got front row seats
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.