ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
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someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Taco Bell, Exit 22
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Hit me in the face with a bird
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Always leave them wanting their money back.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
shit just got real