sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
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Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Two types of dogs.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19