to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
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When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Them: You should try keto
Me:
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl