Realize this:
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Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.