Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
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Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.