6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
You Might Also Like
That’s no pocket rocket.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.