Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
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Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.