I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
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My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
A classic…
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
selena gomez
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter