WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
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A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Boy never ceases to amaze me
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”