i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
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What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.