Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
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*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I’d … I’d rather not.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?