βDid he just do that by himself?β πΉ π π
π Sound up
You Might Also Like
i shouldnβt have written βnever changeβ in all those boysβ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but thereβs no way Iβll be strong enough by then.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
βFailure is how you grow.β
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
me: sorry i couldnβt stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Iβm only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now letβs just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: β¦There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Iβm the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we donβt do magic
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.