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Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?