Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
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“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…