It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
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Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.