Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
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If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Sooo many times…..
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?