I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
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High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
[the middle of showering] I need a break
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”