Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
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[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.