POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
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🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Perfect
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.