[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
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i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
How wrong was this guy?
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5