king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
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[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.