[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
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*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Thursday Thought.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Best spoiler warning ever
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃