[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
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My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…