This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
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Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
road rage
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I can’t be the only one 😂
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied