DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
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Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Did my cat write this
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.