Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
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[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.