Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
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They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
who wants to go expliring
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
absolute chaos