I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
You Might Also Like
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
The French cow says MEUX…
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.