If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
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coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
who wants to go expliring
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
this is so top tier i cant
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming