Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
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[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS