Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
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Teamwork makes the dream work.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*