Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
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I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
WWE is French for “yes”
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles