Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
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[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall