Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
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Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.