I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
You Might Also Like
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.