Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
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If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Jail
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags